Top 10, or so, reasons to vote Conservative

Top 10, or so, reasons to vote Conservative

Columns

By: Debora Kelly

ith less than a week to go to the federal election, I’m undecided and  remain uninspired by the leadership choices.

In my first column about this election, I bemoaned the focus on negative campaigning.

A few readers found me “partisan”; on the contrary, I have neither loyalty nor blind allegiance to one party.

Opinionated, yes ­— this is an opinion column, after all — but partisan, no.

I try to make an informed decision each election.

Making a list often helps me make up my mind when faced with tough decisions.

The polls say the Conservatives will be back, though Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s dream of a majority government may elude him.

In a bid to be positive — as I was urging politicians in my earlier column — my list will focus on the top 10 reasons to vote Conservative.

1. They’ll put 14-year-olds in jail

This is an excellent idea that should have been in place when my son was 14.

He’s 16 now, but I’m hoping he still qualifies.

It would be nice to have someone to call at those occasional times when my 6-foot 4-inch tall son looks down and tells me I can’t tell him what to do.

A couple of days in jail would get the punk out of him, all right.

The Conservatives should also get tough on fashion crime, especially those crotch-dragging, baggy, boxer-short-revealing pants of which my son is so fond.

What’s more menacing than that?

2. They quit giving handouts to whiny, “wealthy cultural elite”

Thank you, Mr. Harper, for letting us know the whole starving artists thing was a con on “ordinary, working people”.

Good for you for cutting $45 million in funding to those government-subsidized whiners.

Why not put the money toward basket weaving classes for kids in jail? Why not throw the artists in there, too?

3. Don’t worry, be happy

You’re right, Mr. H, the economy is fine — which explains your government’s attacks on Ontario’s economy and failure to address coast-to-coast job losses.

Why is everybody getting so upset about the economy? It’s fine.

You’re a beacon of comfort, we shouldn’t worry about our jobs or homes.

I agree it’s a good time to pick through the stock market carnage for deals ... I just wish I had spare cash.

4. They care about the 3 Rs: Reuse, Reuse, Reuse

Who says the Conservatives don’t care about the environment? Rather than wastefully pay writers to craft original text reflecting the PM’s brilliant thoughts, Mr. Harper’s team simply stole the words of former Australian prime minister John Howard and premier Mike Harris.

5. They’ll help parents

They promise to index to inflation the $100-per-month child care benefit.

Granted, for most families, that’s only an extra $2 to $3, but I’m OK with that because my kids are grown.

I paid thousands for child care without help.

It’s good the Conservatives have abandoned their 2006 promise to create 125,000 child care spaces.

6. Actually, it’s OK to break promises that don’t matter

I don’t have any income trusts. And who needs fixed election dates? What, you don’t like elections?

7. Who says the economy is the top issue?

The Conservatives are on to something in not revealing their economic platform until this week.

Thanks to Kim Campbell, they know an election isn’t the time to talk about serious issues. It’s the time to win by making your opponents look bad.

8. Sweater vests

Even though I don’t know any “ordinary” men who wear sweater vests, I get it now that Mr. H is down with his peeps.

Sorry, I can’t quite make it to No. 10, but I think I’ve said enough.

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