Garden of lingerie on display for all

Garden of lingerie on display for all

Columns

By: Jim Thomas

It happens every fall. The weatherman suddenly turns spiteful and hits us with a blast of arctic air.

Can’t say we weren’t warned. Every radio station and TV channel across Ontario told of plunging temperatures and risks of snow.

But who among us expected to wake up Oct. 21 to a blanket of whiteness extending from Dickson’s Hill to Thunder Bay.

“They’ve got to be kidding,” I said to myself, “it’s mid-October, too early for that.”

They weren’t kidding and it wasn’t too early.

At 6:30 the next morning I was still searching for something to clear a heavy coating of frost from the car’s windshield.

Strange isn’t it how the ice scraper you put away last spring is never where it’s supposed to be seven months later.

So you let the car’s heater melt the frost and, in doing so, waste $2 worth of gas. Such is life in the frozen north.

Regardless, it’s been the best autumn I can remember. Our flower gardens, both back and front, have blossomed like never before. Vegetable production, too, has exceeded expectations.

No thanks to me. I take none of the credit. Wife Jean did the work. I merely stood back and admired her basic cultivation skills.

In all honesty, I did display a degree of down-and-dirty talent. I created a floral masterpiece of my own. And while much smaller than the one completed by my mate, it was, without doubt, a sight to behold.

I was proud, so much so, I took every precaution to protect it, albeit a night too late. The pansies got nipped and so did the geraniums but all else survived. Lucky break.

With predicted temperatures in total free-fall, my aging physical form went into action.

While Jean’s attention was focused on doing dinner dishes, I gathered up all the feminine garments I could find and hustled them outside.

In the dark, I gently placed each atop the most fragile of flowers, hoping they, (the garments), wouldn’t be missed. I also trusted Jack Frost would show a little mercy.

While somewhat selective, it’s really quite amazing what a few silks and satins can do. They served the same purpose as several plugged-in heating pads. In addition, a 36 inch brassiere proved a perfect comforter for two yellow roses and a little-used corset had sufficient stretch to cover a plantation of lavetera.

Other unmentionables were also used but I’ll not reveal the intimate details.

Unfortunately, come morning, I committed an appalling error. In a rush to grab a coffee at Tim Hortons before assuming crossing-guard duties, I forgot to remove the lingerie from the garden. At sun-up, they were visible for all to admire, including the neighbours.

My wife, being a patient person, didn’t dole out the criticism I deserved. But she had the last laugh.

At dawn the following day, my favourite Fruit of the Looms were on display for everyone to see.

Incorrect date

Don’t come to Stouffville District Secondary School Saturday, Nov. 1.

A typo gremlin crept into last week’s column and erroneously scheduled this date for the 16th annual Student Music Scholarship concert. It should have read Friday, Nov. 7.

My mistake.

More than 600 young people, representing seven Whitchurch-Stouffville schools will take part.

During the past 15 years, more than $57,000 has been raised with all monies divided among  participating schools to aid their music programs.

Recipient of the 2008 St. James Presbyterian Church scholarship will be Aaron Clubine, a graduate of Stouffville District Secondary School attending York University in a bachelor of fine arts in music degree course.      

Jim Thomas is a Stouffville resident who has written for area newspapers for more than 50 years.

All content contained in this or any other yorkregion.com website including but not limited to textual, audio, video and any graphics are copyright 2000-2008 Metroland Media Group Ltd. and can not be used in any part without expressed written permission, with the exception of content in the yorkregion.com Pen & Pixel section, which requires the written consent of the authors.